Teaching for a LIFETIME: My thoughts on Dance Moms, Bring It!, and Kim of Queens

Welcome to the world of Anti-Abby Lee Millers... Ironically brought to you by the network that made her famous, Lifetime. Building off the success (or infamy) of Dance Moms (a show I've written about quite a bit), the network debuted two new series this year: Kim of Queens and Bring It! Given the descent of Dance Moms into madness (it's one of the few "reality" shows where I believe some of the cast members truly hate one another, as evidenced by the arrest of Kelly Hyland), I guess it makes sense that someone had to be waiting in the wings and the network doesn't want to come off like Bravo, only creating drama-filled shows to make people famous. Dance Moms has become so divorced from reality with parents engaging in such egregious behavior that you have to think their contracts are so lucrative/ironclad that it's not worth stopping, or the only way to get off the show is to commit assault. In any case, I can't believe the show has made the players into stars,  as opposed to the negative backlash caused by Toddlers & Tiaras for many families. I mean, they now show the Dance moms (even relatively sane Holly!) painting on abs and arm muscles on their girls-- how is this any different from spray tans? I've asked this before because there are so many similarities between dance competitions and child beauty pageants for young girls, but so many more do dance that by sheer numbers it's not as marginalized as kiddie pageants. On top of the musculature-enhancing make-up, this year/season the girls often wear costumes with enhanced bust (though some are hitting puberty), which is also uncomfortable to watch at times. Also, the fact that sisters Maddie and Mackenzie (oh, excuse me, Mack Z!) are now homeschooled shows how far off the priorities have become and they are truly not kids living a competitive life, but performers 24/7. Despite all this drama, the show has managed to become boring because it's so formulaic. I for one would never want to go to a competition where the show is filming (for fear of rigging, delays, privacy issues, etc.); although I will admit that the show did give me a glimpse of one of my dance crushes, Blake McGrath, even if he did take a presumably large paycheck to work for Crazy Cathy, so I'm grateful for that

When Kim of Queens started I was initially a bit turned off-- and assumed they were looking to create a new Abby (and to fill the void creating by the cancelled Toddlers & Tiaras). With Kim Gravel portraying herself as country I thought she was trying to horn in on the Honey Boo Boo crowd as well. If that angle drew viewers initially though, it wasn't what made them (or me) stay because despite having contrived story lines and bring a bit silly at times, it became extremely clear that Coach Kim loves all her Pageant Place girls and truly wants the best for them. Her big heart (and voice and personality) and tears made for compelling viewing and her emphasis on growth, loss, and the long-term goal/win as opposed to the short-term win/title/crown was a refreshing message.  I of course know the show was staged-- especially so many of the gags with her own family-- and I disliked the way Kin of Queens brought in new girls all the time because the recruits didn't stick around often and it created extra drama when the natural story was more interesting. But overall it was a nice message, and for that reason the series hasn't been as big of a hit. I know Kim isn't always PC, but her comment about clogging being "tapping with hooves," made me laugh. Her aversion to clogging (even trying to transform it into Irish dance) is one example of her outsize personality and wackiness coming from a place of helpfulness and not pure egotism.

Dianna Williams of Lifetime's other new series, which has done well enough to warrant to additional episodes at the end of its run, including a sit-down reunion special, is similar. She is much tougher and even less diplomatic than Kim Gravel, but her students, the Dancing Dolls, face even bigger challenges (the fact that one of the girls' moms became a grandmother at 28 gives you a sense of the challenges in this community). I love that Dianna says she is preparing her "girls" for life and trying to teach them life lessons, which as you know I believe is possible through competitive activities and competitive dance, if done in a healthy way. Bring It! features a hop hop majorette team, which is a style of dance associated with the African-American community and affiliated with many Historically Black Colleges and Universities. The producers often defined dance terms and moves, which even differ from more "traditional" dance. At times I thought talk of "technique" was a bit of a stretch but chalked it up to a different style; but in the finale when a dance team aficionado who was judging complained about the lack of pointed toes I realized the Dancing Dolls were a bit lacking. That said, it was interesting to learn about a new type of dance and all the different categories of competition. The "stand battle" was the biggest component, but there were field dances, captain's dances, burlesque, character, etc. I am sure it is much more complicated than the show let on even so I'd love an insider's perspective! The other refreshing thing about the show was that the body was portrayed in a much less self-conscious way. Compared to the thin Dance Moms girls who paint on muscles, the Bring It! girls embrace their bodies whatever their size and dance with energy and enthusiasm as well (note that this is well known to be more common in the African-American community and black girls/women have fewer incidences of eating disorders and body image problems). I didn't always understand the costume selections, but there is clearly a tradition there. However, my biggest pet peeve was the ripped fishnet stockings and the dance tights showing over the top of the costume pants. That said, the fact many of the girls had to wear "nude" stockings for a different skin tone shows that dance companies should make colors in a wider variety of shades.

While Dance Moms is now so popular it is basically never on hiatus-- constantly doing clips specials and now creating a second team, and a THIRD series starring Abby!-- I'll be tuning in to the shows that feature more positive performance coaches with a more realistic and valuable message. Be sure to check them out, especially if you don't like Dance Moms!

Back to Blogging after Babies, Boobs, and Blissful Nights

The last time I blogged I mentioned I would soon be delivering and nursing. Since then my second son, Quenton, has been keeping me busy. And who could resist this punim?!

I hypothesized I'd be reading more (wrong!) and I never imagined it would take me 4+ months to return to blogging! With two little ones, breastfeeding, and a husband who works out of town all week I'm a wee bit exhausted. My new favorite family photo hints at what keeps my partner so busy, and why my kids never cease to make me laugh:

Just because I haven't been blogging doesn't mean I've "only" been doing childcare. I've managed to write a bit, talk a bit more (including this very exciting interview and mention of PLAYING TO WIN in Parents!), and speak. With both boys able to put themselves to sleep by themselves and sleep through the night now, I have more energy!

What's that, you say? Your four-month-old puts himself to sleep and sleeps through the night? Why, yes, please don't hate me. I worked very hard for this. My children's sleep achievements have become somewhat legendary and among my group of friends I get asked lots of advice (in fact, I now get emails from friends of friends about how to do this). So, for my first post back I thought I'd share some of my most basic suggestions and hope it helps other parents, especially those with busy family and work lives.

Two disclaimers: 1) I had a lot of help learning this information-- from books, other moms, and the incomparable Kathleen Todd-Seymour. Kathy runs Mother& Child, a one-stop shop for moms interested in learning how to best take care of their newborns (she's a pediatric RN and certified lactation consultant). Kathy was recommended to us when I was pregnant and while I initially had some qualms (I will know what to do best, it's my child!) I realized that I've never had a newborn before and there are people out there who know *so much more* than I do because of experience and training in this realm. Now I can honestly say that if I have a parenting guru, it is this woman! If you live in the Boston area I can't recommend her highly enough, especially because she grounds her advice in science and research, with a gentle and respectful tone-- my cup of tea! Sometimes I think my kids would be safer with her than with me...

2) I made the choice to exclusively breastfeed for the first several months of life based on my own reading of the scientific literature and what worked for me and our family. Some might think I did it for too long, others not long enough. All of these choices/decisions are valid given the constraints of a woman's body and a family's needs. I'm just sharing what worked for me, and I know it has helped others already-- but if you disagree please just do so respectfully.

If you plan to breastfeed and you want your kids to sleep, you have to get that milk flowing (the conventional wisdom is that kids sleep better with formula, which I suspect is especially true if you haven't had a large supply so suddenly your babe is getting more calories, but I am proof you don't need it to get your little one sleeping). How do you do this? Well, in the first two weeks or so-- and especially until you get up past birth weight again-- you must feed every 2-3 hours. Sometimes you might even have to wake the baby, but it's worth it and it only lasts two weeks! Two weeks of less sleep potentially for years more with? I'll take it. I never fed earlier than two hours start-to-start to give the breasts time to fill, but didn't go longer than three. If one of the guys ever seemed truly hungry I would give a few CCs of breastmilk (or my hubby would) as a booster.

This leads to the second suggestions, which is that it helps to pump especially in the first week to really make sure your milk comes in. The first few days from the hospital I pumped for ten minutes after 1-2 feedings per day to make sure there was enough stimulation. I also added in early on one extra pumping session per day to start building up a frozen supply (I really did this with #2 and I learned to do this before bed so that the breasts were fully drained to promote a good night's sleep for me; with #1 I did before he woke up, which meant I got less sleep than I could have otherwise, even though it was more milk pumped in the morning).

Now this leads to the third point, which is that if you plan to nurse exclusively you must sleep and you must eat. I know it seems like there is so much to do, I KNOW! But sleep produces a hormone that makes you lactate more. Also, while I'd love to look like Gisele, I don't anyway. And when I nurse I want to eat everything in sight. But nursing is not the time to diet. While I complain about my weight I have the rest of my life to diet and I'd rather get the baby all the calories he wants now.

In addition to pumping I also catch my letdown to help build up a supply-- again, I learned to do this early on for #2 when you are AWASH in milk and four weeks in I had 20+ bags frozen- (which my husband almost destroyed all of, but that's a story for family lore and another time). I know some people don't agree with this (concerns about fore/hindmilk, perhaps pressure of catching increases oversupply, etc.), but it's never been a problem for us. I have a very strong letdown (though it eventually decreases after the first few months) and I can catch 1-2 ounces each feed. Think of all the wasted liquid gold if you didn't catch it. A friend (the wisdom of mommy friends!) told me about this while I was still pregnant and I had it ready with #1. It's called a milkie! For #2 I ordered two more and put them strategically around the house (nursery, kitchen, etc.) so I knew I always had at least two clean ones.

I try to ground most of my own life in research, but the thing I do to help with nursing that isn't for sure "proven" (though it's worked for centuries of women) is drinking fenugreek tea. Even if it's not a for sure thing, it's definitely NOT harmful and the more fluids when you nurse, the better. I drank pure fenugreek tea the first time, but couldn't find the same one for #2, so I've been drinking this nursing mother's tea that is mainly fenugreek and it's worked out great. I do 1-2 cups per day. I also put nipple cream/lanolin on pretty much every time after I nurse (and most times after I pump). I see this as a prophylactic measure and worth it (at early stages I use the Lansinoh, but after the first few weeks I prefer the Medela).

Just like you want to get your boobs and baby on an eating schedule, you want to try to do the same with sleeping as soon as you can. If people ask me for just one piece of advice re: newborn sleep I say, "Routine! Routine! Routine!" You must be ruthlessly consistent, which may not be the most convenient for you, but like I said before if you can make some accommodations early on, you reap the rewards for so much longer. You will also learn what your child wants and make this routine around their needs after the first few weeks. The first big clue is learning what time they get overstimulated (that scrunched up, red-faced, silent cry is what my boys do) and then slowing things down before that and ideally doing bedtime routine then.

I am a big believer in the fourth trimester, as popularized by Harvey Karp in The Happiest Baby on the Block. Essentially humans should gestate for longer, but the birth canal can't accommodate the size of the human brain very well, so we give birth at 9 rather than 12 months. That means that to the extent possible you want to recreate the womb outside the body for the first three months. That is why people have been swaddling for centuries. I swear by The Miracle Blanket (suggested by another mom friend). I own about 7 of them and when Quenton started rolling over it was a sad day to pack them away! Swaddling especially helps limit the impact of the Moro reflex, and other times when a baby might startle awake since they can't control their limbs well.

I also believe in sound machines both as a soothing sleep trigger and as a way to ensure you can do things around the house without fear of waking the baby. I use this one (heartbeat setting). Yes, recently sound machines have come under fire, but read this excellent close reading of the study and use COMMON SENSE (you wouldn't really put the machine on the highest setting right by the crib, would you?!).

Just like with nursing I have one sleep element that isn't necessarily grounded in fact. In this case it's what I call the "magic PJs." One of my closest friends' moms gave me these PJs from The Children's Place at my shower. The first night Carston wore them (at 4 weeks), he slept 8+ hours. Thus the myth of the PJs was born. I had four in rotation by the time Q arrived. Here he is sporting a set:

Now there may be some grounding in fact here, which is that these help the babe stay warm and that helps him/her sleep better. I also think the feel of this material helped him associate with sleep-- but he's now in the cotton stretchie and doing just fine, too.

This is Carston sporting a set of magic PJs and note (he is two-months-here, like Q was above) that he is sleeping in his crib, but inside a co-sleeper; in the next picture he is wrapped in his Miracle Blanket.

We tried co-sleeping in bed in the sleeper with #1, then in the same room, but by week 2 it became clear none of us were getting enough sleep around one another. But he looked so small in his crib and guru Kathy explained kids want to feel secure (again, the fourth trimester womb metaphor), so we placed the co-sleeper INSIDE the crib. This was a little nest for him and worked like a charm. For Q though he was out of it by week 5 because he wanted to move (he would turn 180 degrees in the night) and that was a key to his restful sleep-- a reminder not all kids are the same even in the same family!

Once you get a good routine and bedtime set, you can work on getting your babe to sleep for longer (assuming they are healthy, gaining weight properly, etc.). Now it's a skill to sleep on an empty stomach and something to be learned. It's easiest to do this in a gentle way using a bottle, or only feeding on one side. We have always started a bottle of breastmilk at two weeks so our boys always can use a bottle. Once they start sleeping through the night (at 4-5 weeks), we switch to one daytime bottle so they don't lose the skill. With the nighttime bottle you can start at 3-4 ounces then decrease by a half an ounce for a few days, then another half ounce, etc. As parenting guru Kathy explained, "If you get woken up to drink a Frappucino at 3 am, after three nights you will wake yourself up wanting it even if you don't need it!"The added bonus here is that your partner can then feed the baby too (my hubby wanted to) and eventually you can get more sleep. With #2 I understood this and would sleep until my boobs woke me, then pump. After a few nights I started pumping only 9 minutes, then 8 the next, 7, etc. Until I got to 4 and then I was able to sleep until Q woke up after his bottle. Heaven!

We've also used a technique called a slumber feed, which is picking up a sleeping baby a few hours after bedtime and giving a bottle to get them to sleep longer through the night. Finally, we always do a cluster feed before bed, which is two feeding 1-1.5 hours apart, to top up that belly and have it full for sleep.

My last bit of advice is not to pick up your baby every time s/he squawks or cries. I make myself wait at least 30 seconds-1 minute at first. As the boys get older I understand the difference in their cries (hunger, tired, annoyance, wants attention, etc.). Kids have to learn to self-soothe and get themselves to go back to sleep during the night, or at nap time. You have 4-6 months to get these patterns established and then you are pretty much stuck with that for the next 9 months or so. Again, might be tough in short-term, but it is well worth it in the long-term.

Of course, I understand you might disagree with some or all of this advice, but my results are that at five weeks Quenton did a ten-hour stretch. He has started doing 11 hours just before he turned four months. Since Carston was 2 months old we have never done a night feeding and at 2 years, almost 5 months we have only ONCE ever gone into his room after bedtime. Given no more than five minutes he puts himself back to sleep or he simply sleeps through the night. Both of our kids have reflux (Carston's wasn't treated until 16 months, but Q started at about 3 weeks), so it can be done even with that constraint! We tilted the co-sleeper a bit and gradually got them both sleeping flat fairly quickly.

Now, I'm still exhausted, especially with nursing and an extra pump session (now dropped). But I'm proud of my family even if I spell their names wrong once in awhile-- proving this time in life doesn't last forever, but a sense of humor will.

Happy blissful nights of sleep!

My Reading List in 2013

This past year, for the first time since middle school, I kept track of the books I read. And I am SO happy I did! It made me read more critically and it helped me make better recommendations to friends. I'm definitely doing it again this year, a year in which I suspect I will be reading a lot as I prepare to deliver and nurse again (I found I read a ton while nursing last time). I also learned that I was correct in my assessment that I read two books per week, on average, as my 2013 total was an even 100. I didn't read as much serious non-fiction as I suspected, but that's because of both terrible morning sickness that made it easier to get lost in a story and because of all the writing and promotion I did for my own book, which was released in September. People ask me how/why I read so much and the simplest and truest answer is that reading still shows me new people and places and ideas-- and it's basically my favorite activity in the whole world. I can't imagine that changing and I love sharing it with my boys. I suppose if you count board/children's books, I have read hundreds of books this year, ha ha. Look forward to modeling good reading for the family (on hard copy paper and in e-form) for years and years to come...

Of the 100, here were my Top 10 from 2013, all of which I have already, and will again, recommend. Listed here in the order in which I read them; some of them surprised me in making the cut but they are the ones that stayed with me long after finishing.

1. The Housekeeper and the Professor by Yoko Ogawa

2. Wonder by R.J. Palacio

3. The Innocents by Francesca Segal

4. The Art Forger by B.A. Shapiro

5. Expecting Better: Why the Conventional Pregnancy Wisdom is Wrong and What You Really Need to Know by Emily Oster

6. The Yonahlossee Riding Camp for Girls by Anton DiScalfani

7. The English Girl by Daniel Silva

8. The Good House by Ann Leary

9. The Lowland by Jhumpa Lahiri

10. Through the Evil Days by Julia Spencer-Fleming

Honorable Mentions: Will Grayson, Will Grayson by John Green and David Levithan; Summer of the Gypsy Moths by Sara Pennypacker; andThe Secrets of Happy Families by Bruce Feiler.

And I already have my first entry in for 2014! One change I plan to make to the list this year is that I didn't find it particularly useful or meaningful to report/record the way in which I read the book (iPad vs. Hard/softcover), so I plan to drop that this year.

Happy Reading in the New Year, everyone. :)

Competition, Competition, Competition: Sibling, or Otherwise

This may be my last regular post for some time. I'm preparing for the arrival of my second son next month and want to enjoy the holidays, Carston's second birthday, and the end of this pregnancy (as much as that is possible!)-- especially before potential sibling rivalry/competition appears in my home!

In the competitive spirit I want to highlight a few recent writings I have done on competition, particularly as I wrap up my work related to this fall's release of PLAYING TO WIN.

1) The Wild, Unregulated Business of After-School Programs at The New Republic- I think this is one of the most important pieces I have ever done, and it is about an issue I feel VERY strongly about. Parents often don't know who is teaching their kids-- and at stake are injuries, psychological well-being, and significant investments of familial time and money. Please read and pass it on! Note there is more on this topic in Chapter 5 and the Conclusion of the book.

2) Is Competition for Kids Healthy-Yes! in Brain, Child- I'm the affirmative side of the debate (though I share much in common with the "negative" side, written by the super smart Sarah Buttenwieser). A good summary of what I took away from my research and how it applies to my parenting today.

3) Children and Competitiveness in Oxford Bibliography of Childhood Studies- While this is for students and a a more academic audience, it's a great resource for those of you interested in learning more about what's been done on kids and competition. It's always nice to be recognized as the expert in your field too...

I was also very gratified that Brain, Child's blog Brain, Mother ran such a nice review of Playing to Win (written by Lauren Apfel). I especially loved her description of the book: "Playing to Win is, at heart, a sociological study. It is a laying bare of a cultural phenomenon—its history and its infrastructure—not a judgment on that phenomenon. “Are these parents crazy?” Levey Friedman asks. “Have they lost their grip?” Her definitive answer to these questions is “no” and she walks the line between showing us why and telling us why with admirable grace. On the one hand, she lets the data and the people involved speak for themselves: interviews with both parents and children are a hallmark of the book. On the other hand, she is a careful, explicit and non-biased interpreter of her fieldwork."

As I get ready to explore for myself more issues of parental craziness, competition, and family dynamics, I will try to remain a non-biased observer of my own life and decisions. I'll keep you posted!

(Competitive) Afterschool Activities and Inequality: More Thoughts

While my favorite part of having now published a book is hearing what people think (even though I recently got my first not-so-great Amazon review) after they have read the whole book, I also love connecting with those who may never read the book by publishing pieces connected to the book. Of course, any short article is but a piece of the larger puzzle; I absolutely loved how Stephanie Sprenger described Playing to Win in her second entry about it as part of The Brilliant Book Club: Illuminating Reads for Parents (all links available to the ten entries here). On her blog Mommy, for Real Sprenger wrote: "Let me explain something about this book: it has many, many layers. Playing to Win is an extremely comprehensive, well-researched, insight-laden look at competitive activities for children in America. There is simply no way that any of us can include every aspect of the book in our posts; Playing to Win considers social class, race, gender, and other factors that I am choosing not to include in my own post, rather than risk losing all of you with a 4000 word missive." So it's not surprising that my most recent piece at The Atlantic EDU understandably left a few things out, and I'd like to clarify a bit since I have received many emails, comments, and press coverage about it-- as I did the last time an Atlantic piece I did generated lots of conversation.

First of all, many were upset about the headline, "After-School Activities Make Educational Inequality Even Worse." They read this as I argue that afterschool activities should be disbanded. This is of course not my position at all! I find many, many useful benefits to participation-- so much so that I believe more kids should have access to the opportunities they provide. The problem, as it were, is that many schools (especially at younger age levels) don't offer many afterschool programs (for the answer as to why that is read Chapter 1), which means families go outside the school system and pay for their kids to have these opportunities. That is where the inequality comes in.

The second, related point to clarify is that what is really being talked about here are competitive afterschool activities. Kids can gain many valuable lessons/skills from recreational participation (like teamwork, the importance of practice, etc.), but these are ratcheted up when you have to try out for an activity and then compete on a regular basis. Again, this often means another financial investment, further crowding out many. With a few exceptions in chess, these activities exist completely outside of the school system. This pay-to-play model means that many low income students are simply shut-off from the experience-- which has implications in terms of skill sets in activities later on and in terms of social skills to be applied in various academic and professional settings.  Again, I believe that ALL kids can benefit and should develop these skills. My issue is that right now, the way the system is structured, only more privileged kids get access in many cases.

And why does this matter? In the more proximate long-term this matters for college admissions-- as I write in the most recent issue of Education Next. Many colleges value these activities as proxies for measuring ambition in youth. More importantly these activities develop the skills- what I call competitive kid capital- to succeed not only in college, but beyond. A conversation with a high school friend who works at a Charter School about this piece captures this perfectly: "Even when our kids perform well by our standards, they still aren't prepared to participate and thrive in society at large because they don't have these intangible skills. Sometimes I feel like education reform is focused on creating a legion of call center employees and security guards instead of actually improving the long term outcomes of students in underserved communities." I responded: "Yes, the college *completion* rates for underprivileged kids who get into great colleges are pretty abysmal. It's more than test scores and classes-- it's giving kids these intangible social skills that come with a certain type of upbringing. Programs like chess can be so helpful, and low cost, and impart many of these lessons. I hope the powers that be listen!"

A final point about this that has come up in a few conversations with reporters and commenters is that it is actually useful in many cases to think about kids' participation in organized, out-of-school activities as a form of children's work. I published a paper on this topic a few years ago in which I argue that in our type of economy the afterschool hours (space between school and family) are even more important for future training and the advantage here clearly goes to the well-off kids. Check out that paper from Childhood here.

Now, back to my first "meh" review on Amazon. The reader was disappointed I didn't offer more practical advice. It's so funny because based on my academic/peer reviews some wanted me to actually delete all the advice I do offer in the conclusion (many don't know that books published by academic/university presses go through a review process and the University of California's is one of the most stringent)! I fought to keep in what is in there, and I do offer some advice, though not as much as some straight parenting books on the market certainly. Going back to The Brilliant Book Club posts, in a comment to one a reader wrote, "I was really impressed with the way HLF used her material and the way she explained HOW she was using the material, but I have no background in this field in particular. So too I enjoyed the way she put our current state of anxiety in context and how the book was a laying bare of a phenomenon, not a judgment of that phenomenon." To which I replied, "Yay– you totally GOT what I was trying to do. In the end, I do make judgments, but honestly the whole time I was doing the research and analysis, I didn’t (I learned how NOT to do this studying child beauty pageants before… Although some chess parents I met are seriously “crazier” than many pageant moms!). I was *forced* to do it while turning the dissertation into a book and I do think it’s necessary, but it’s also good to have a pure research perspective for a good portion of time too."

Now, the good news is that often these shorter articles related to the book actually give me the opportunity to offer more advice. Like, for example, this recent piece I have in a local magazine (complete with a pic of me and my son). Just like my competitive kids, it's all a balancing act in the end!

As always, would love your thoughts on any articles, or the book, and please feel free to leave any sort of review on Amazon, B&N, or Goodreads-- even if it is a "meh" one...

In closing, check out this fun appearance I did on Connecticut's The Carousel Show talking about Playing to Win, sociology, being a mom, and next book project!