The Fix Is In: Miss Universe 2016

To me there are three High Holy Days of Pageantry each year: Miss America is the apex (with a Holy Week to go along with it), then Miss Universe, and Miss USA. It's no secret that my favorite part of Miss Universe are the national costumes. I actually missed them live this year because I was on a train ride to the North Pole with my kids in New Hampshire (again, see that previous link for my feelings on the lack of traditions and rituals in Miss USA/Universe, because who would have ever thought Miss Universe would be on a Sunday in late December?!). My eldest son's face clearly presages people's reactions to the crowning moment a few hours later...

Because of the important trip to see Santa and his elves, and then getting our intrepid travelers abed, I didn't turn on Fox until 9:30ish last night. The Top 3 were being announced and I immediately thought Miss Philippines would win. I gasped when I saw her dress and the history with Miss USA and Miss Colombia with Miss Universe (recent winners, etc.) told me that the pageant-happy Philippines would be celebrating in half an hour.

I only half paid attention during the Seal song and the long walks, though I do think it was nice that they Top 3 got so much attention and time to shine. As for the final question it was *such* a softball and I thought Miss USA was too rehearsed/Patty and that Miss Philippines continued to exude grace. All I could think during Colombia's answer was how much she looked like Sofia Vergara's unknown younger sister...

When Miss USA was announced second-runner-up, I think the only one truly shocked was her:

And then the real weirdness began. I have seen over 100 pageants (for research and over my life course watching all three Pageants each year). When the winner is called from the final two (which doesn't always happen, as I briefly explain here), the usual protocol is to announce the name of the first-runner-up, so by default you know who the winner is. Then a few seconds later you introduce the new queen by her old title and new title. When it didn't go down this way I actually thought, "Huh, that was odd." I also thought it odd that there was a pause before the outgoing Miss Universe (also from Colombia) came out, although they then jumped excitedly together. I assume there was some frantic movement off camera that the television audience couldn't see.

When Harvey came back out I was shocked and immediately knew what happened, even though this was unprecedented. I honestly initially thought, along with many others, that this may have been a publicity stunt. Some pageant fans still believe this for some interesting reasons. But I have now watched the press conferences after and if it was I don't think Harvey was in on it and it appears to be a terrible mistake from someone who I don't believe has ever hosted a pageant before. There was a reason people like Bert Parks, and now Chris Harrison (who hosts another elimination show filled with emotion and anxiety), needed longevity to perform their iconic roles well.

As I write at the end of my Psychology Today article on this (which covers more the sociological analysis of why me might care so much), "As this story continues to dominate social media and major news sites (and sadly not other pageant-related stories like the tragic car accident right outside the hotel after Miss Universe last night (link is external), Miss Canada World being denied the opportunity to compete earlier in the weekend over political issues with China (link is external), and the appearance of Miss Slovenia at Miss Universe after a health crisis (link is external)) it is clear that pageantry and dream fulfillment still exert a powerful hold on a diverse group of people worldwide."

(And after you read my Psych Today piece you will understand that whenever I see my own mother's crowning moment, that up-close dream fulfillment, it makes me tear up because it is amazing to see the moment when her life changed, and by extension mine as well [I wish in some ways I had a video of when I tore open my college acceptance letter, in the dark ages before email, etc.]. Note that this was her reaction to NOT being called FIRST-RUNNER-UP, since that name is always read first!One final aside: They de-crowmned Colombia, but left the sash on her. How awkward was it to get that sash off?! Anyone know of any photos of this?)

And as I explain in this thoughtful article at Christian Science Monitor, "'Miss Philippines and Miss Colombia displayed grace under pressure in an unexpected and unprecedented situation,' says Friedman. 'What happens in the next few days will show what may or may not have occurred behind the scenes. For better or for worse both contestants, along with emcee Harvey, will live on in social media infamy.'"

I'm guessing that for the next Pageant (and all the preliminaries and state contests leading up to it), a new ritual may be added to the crowning ceremony: SHOWING THE WINNER AND AUDIENCE THE RESULTS CARD!

Your silence will not protect you-- no matter your age

When I was in high school I wore a pin on my winter coat that featured Audre Lorde's quote, "Your silence will not protect you." Yes, I was far more idealistic then and while I wouldn't wear a button with a slogan on my coat these days, I find myself thinking of Elie Wiesel's words almost every day of my adult life: "We must take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented." I am trying to raise children who know how to use their voices. I know someday I won't agree with everything they say, but I will be happy to listen to their voices and thoughts so long as they are well-reasoned and rooted in fact and not only opinion. Going back to Wiesel, it's the taking the side that matters instead of just being a bystander.

To that end when I was invited to a rally in support of reclaiming the Muslim narrative-- and US political debate for that matter- from radicalism (organized by my neighbors) I thought this might be a good opportunity to expose my almost-four-year-old, Carston, to a rally. I liked that this event would be focusing more on the positive and less on "anti-" anything and I knew people we know would be there.

I invited some of his nursery classmates and when another mom expressed interest we made it into a fun morning (brunch out, rally, Starbucks treat). I thought hard about how to best prepare him for the event and in the end kept it simple. I said that this was a gathering of people who want to remind everyone that we are all the same on the inside. To which Carston replied, "Well, of course!"

When we arrived we saw materials to make posters. I wrote simply, "Tolerance," while Carston got to work writing his name (which he can do well, just not always in the space allotted!). On his own he came up with his own slogan, which he attempted to write: "Be nice!"

Along with his friend, Tristan, the boys climbed up on the steps of the monument across from Providence City Hall and started chanting their words before the rally formally started. "Be nice, everyone! Be nice, everyone!"

I suppose little people with such a simple message were interesting, so they both chatted with a reporter from The Providence Journal. They were pretty sanguine about it all, simply not understanding what the big deal was.

We stayed through three speakers. I found it really interesting that when the onlookers cheered for a speaker Carston would respond, "You're winning!," which I can only imagine was because he participated in a Turkey Trot after Thanksgiving and so he associated large crowds and cheering with "winning" a race... [This may also be the result of having a parent who studies competition?!]

When the rabble rousers got fidgety we decided it would be a good time to leave-- if you have a preschooler you understand the "leave on a high note and don't wait for a meltdown" sentiment.

The next day it was exciting to see their simple message in digital and actual print:

This actually wasn't Carston's first time being around a diversity-related protest-related activity. Last month the two of us went to Michigan, where I grew up. If you regularly read my website or Facebook wall you know that last fall I was involved with a situation at my high school. A quick summary is that a science teacher (whom I not only never had, but whom I had never met) was fired after revealing to school administrators she was pregnant, and married to another woman. While all situations like this are complicated, I, like many other alumnae, was concerned about the message this sent to young people about acceptance, love, and diversity.

In the end over 81,000 people signed our petition that we stand with Barb Webb online, over 4000 joined our Facebook group, and we raised nearly $6000 to support students at Marian High school now. It was for the latter reason that Carston and I flew to Michigan where we both attended the mandatory professional development training for faculty and staff on Valuing Differences led by the Michigan Roundtable for Diversity and Inclusion and paid for with the funds raised through the Indiegogo campaign.

In the interest of full disclosure though, this is actually how Carston spent the vast majority of the training:

So he might not have quite gotten the message about diversity, but he did get to watch Power Rangers...

In any case, the day for the grown-ups was spent thinking about cultural awareness, the cycle of socialization, what an ally is, etc., topics we were told had not previously been discussed in a group setting. It appeared many people learned new facts about their individual colleagues, and their community (for instance, about changing demographics). Overall it was worthwhile, impactful, educational, and at times emotional.

Somewhat unbelievably right now the all-boys' school next year (Brother Rice, where I took Latin for two years and whose students did plays with us Marian girls and took both AP Biology and AP European History with us) is making national news for an issue related to both of these situations. For the past several years the school has made space available for its Muslim students to pray during the day. Now some (Catholic) parents are contacting the media about this, very upset.

So long as everyone is following the school's rules (attending school mass, but not taking communion, etc.) this type of diversity only adds to the overall school setting. In the 1990s I had many classmates who were not Catholic, and some who weren't Christian. And, again, assuming people follow the rules, everyone's tuition money looks the same... I love what the Brother Rice school president said, especially in response to a parent who called the prayer room "unconscionable:" "We are Catholic in the sense that we share the good news, we are not Catholic in the sense, 'Hey if you're not Catholic don't bother coming here.'"

It is somewhat jarring for me when I compare situations like this to active fall protests on various college campuses with which I have been affiliated over the years. While all may nominally be about diversity, the ways in which that diversity are expressed, or the level at which they are expressed, are quite different. Even the language is quite different at times (a reminder that words like cisgender are far from mainstream). Part of this is generational, surely, but other factors are at play too.

In any event, it's the taking a side that matters, standing up for those you know and love, along with the "being nice." I hope this is a priority for everyone in the new year, regardless of age, religion, race, geography, etc.

Book Reviewing in Action: Friedman Fellows Brothers Celebration

I get to read and think about a lot of great (parenting) books. That also means I often get a lot of ideas about what to do-- or not do, as the case may be!-- with my boys.  When I reviewed Laura Markham's latest, Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings, for Brain, Child in the winter I knew that doing a sibling celebration was something we would try to implement. Markham is a Clinical Psychologist who previously wrote Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids. Because she saw so much sibling conflict she decided it needed its own book. In Chapter 8, "Tools to Prevent Rivalry and and Nurture Bonding," she urges parents to consider an annual sibling celebration. I loved the idea and thought focusing on the boys and their relationship would help them feel special (especially because I am their only-child mother!).

Given that both of my boys have January birthdays I decided the summer would be a good time to add an annual celebration, especially before the hectic school year began. So in August we devoted a whole Saturday to what we called "Brothers Day." They got to set the tone of the day-- in a way that reminded me of Amy Krouse Rosenthal's Yes Day!, though with more restrictions given their ages (1.5 and 3.5). In the week before our day each "selected" a present for the other and we began the day by exchanging those gifts.

After that we focused on activities and meals they like. We went swimming, had KFC (one of their favorites), went to a trampoline park, and then I made one of our favorite family meals (lamb and orzo with feta cheese and spinach-- super easy in the crockpot!) and capped it off with their own cupcakes.

It was definitely a big success and next year Quenton will be able to understand it all a bit more. We won't set the same date, but rather do it at the same time of year next August. I am guessing interests will have changed a bit since this and this also gives us a chance to celebrate that!

This is one tip from a book I definitely recommend.

Background Checks in Youth Sports: Not Just for Sexual Abuse

I've long been a strong proponent of background checks for all who work with kids-- not just for sexual abuse (though, sadly, this still remains a very real issue as just this week Marvin Sharp, an Olympics-level gymnastics coach who had been arrested last month for sexual abuse of young girls was found dead in his jail cell after apparently committing suicide) but also for educational credentials and certifications. Now I'm beginning to think we need to ensure another type of check as well: a financial check. At the beginning of the summer I wrote a feature for The Boston Globe Magazine of which I am very proud because it offers such concrete advice advice for preventing fraud in youth sports organizations, or really any nonprofit. The piece, "Youth soccer's case of the missing $195,o00," appeared in print the weekend we moved to Rhode Island so I wasn't able to feature it as much as I would have liked. Since it appeared, Scott Vermilya has been arraigned on embezzlement charges.

Having been a Framingham resident, and now living in Rhode Island it appears that non-profit financial fraud is following more... In all seriousness though it is a reminder of how widespread these sorts of problems often are. Steven Zina has been charged with stealing about $12,000 from a softball club. What is most disturbing about this story is that in 2014 he was arrested for stealing $19,000 from a high school booster club! How in the world could he take on a treasurer position in the same state? In this case running a background check may not have fully solved the problem because being arrested and being arraigned/convicted/sentenced are all different. But even a Google search turns up the arrest in 2014! Anyone who will be handling money in a voluntary capacity for youth sports and similar activities needs to be vetted. And as a reminder that this *doesn't* happen just in youth activities, Kimberly Moore was just arrested and charged with stealing about $125,000 from the Junior League of Rhode Island.

Chris Cole, Senior Technical Manager of Not-For-Profits of the American Institute of CPAs, was a great resource for the Globe Story I did. Not all of his advice made it to print so I want to offer some more of his insight that bears repeating and sharing. If a nonprofit is the victim of fraud, Cole emphasizes, it is tremendously important to report the crime to the proper authorities. While there may be some reluctance to report it out of embarrassment or fear of negative publicity, “If you don’t press charges the fraudster is going to go somewhere else and do it again. It hurts to take one for the team, but nonetheless you have to help the next organization this person could end up in.”

So remember the names Scott Vermilya, Steven Zina, and Kimberly Moore, whether you live in Rhode Island, New England, or anywhere else. While their crimes are different than those of Jerry Sandusky or Marvin Sharp, they nevertheless cause pain and deny opportunities to millions of others. So don't forget all types of background checks this fall!

A Sweet New Set of Miss America Predictions

Today I arrived in Atlantic City for the 95th Annual Miss America Pageant.

On the way down I caught up on some New Yorker reading. Last week's issue had an article on Atlantic City, which somewhat tellingly does not mention Miss America (nor Monopoly for that matter). Nick Paumgarten's "The Death and Life of Atlantic City" had some great lines, and was interesting, if lacking a resolution. A few that seem especially during this High Holy Week of Pageantry: 1) "Most cities exist as a consequence of commercial or strategic utility. Atlantic City is more of a proposition and a ploy." 2) "In some respects, Atlantic City was where America learned how to turn idle entertainment into big business."

Like AC, Vanessa Williams is gritty, turning looks and controversy into money. Williams rose to fame by becoming the first ever African-American to win the title of Miss America in 1984. She rose to infamy by becoming the first ever Miss America to be forced to resign. She returns to Boardwalk Hall for the first time since her win as Head Judge (well, we hope!). For more on my thoughts on how this development reflects broader changes in American society, click through to my Psychology Today piece, "Will the Obama Girls Stay Up Late for Miss America 2016?"

One thing that hasn't changed is that at times the diversity of Miss America seems a bit forced. For example, yet again (a fact I bemoaned two years ago!) Miss America overlaps with the Jewish High Holidays. This is partly just the timing of things; the Pageant is traditionally held the weekend after Labor Day to extend summer tourist season. Now with TV schedules to contend with things get even more complicated. But is is Erev Rosh Hashanah and I will miss the first children's service with my kids at our new Rhode Island synagogue. So, next year in East Greenwich!

As for this year though, here are my Top 16 predictions, in alphabetical order, with a few annotations:

• Alabama- good overall look/package
• Florida- gorgeous girl, appears to be talented dancer, prelim swimsuit winner (interesting back story here is that her older sister was the girl who was "erroneously" crowned Miss Florida LAST year, but instead was supposedly first runner-up)
• Georgia-prelim talent winner, has "the look"
• Idaho- won Sweetheart last year, great look, would be fun to have a winner from this state (though my sense is she underperfomed in prelims perhaps?)
• Iowa- DOUBLE prelim winner, seemingly out of nowhere, good speaker; I know it's not a BEAUTY pageant per se, though I have to say if she had fixed her teeth up it would have helped a lot
• Kansas- if this doesn't work out, she should try Miss USA
• Louisiana- prelim talent winner, attends the "Miss America school" of Oklahoma City University (and graduated from their musical theatre program!)
• New Jersey- Quality of Life winner; I previously judged her and she has a strong overall presentation for sure (plus no Jersey win since 1937!)
• New York- probably cursed given the threepeat, but cute as a button and talented
• North Carolina- strong overall presentation
• Oklahoma- adorable,but high pressure given singing Vanessa Williams' Miss A talent song!
• South Carolina- prelim winner, extremely strong overall presentation
• Vermont- if she gets to do her talent on live TV, I guarantee it will break the Internet (Miss Rhode Island who could also easily make Top 16 with a solid overall presentation also has some meme/hashtag-worthy moments in her dramatic monologue that is committed/entertaining)
• Virginia- solid overall
• West Virginia- supposed to have a great talent
• Wisconsin- I just love her look, different!

A sweet and successful new year to all the contestants, and you, Sunday and all year long!