Childhood is a Buffet

I love a good Sunday brunch buffet. I often sample lots of dishes, and then go back to get a larger serving of my favorite.

When people ask me about afterschool activities for their elementary school-age kids-- how many they should be in, which activity will help them get into college someday, etc.-- I explain that they should approach those afterschool hours the same way they approach that Sunday buffet.  Children should sample a lot of different things so that they can figure out their favorites.

Middle childhood, which is the time between ages 6-12 (or, for a rough equivalent, the elementary school years), is the time for exposure and exploration.  Parents make choices about which activities their kids should explore based on their own experiences and preferences.  Maybe mom played the violin, so she wants her daughter to as well; or, perhaps she never played a musical instrument and that's the reason she's so adamant that her kids learn to play music.  Other families emphasize physical fitness, so participation on an athletic team is very important.  Within those categories of music and sports there are more choices. A child can play a string instrument, or the piano, drums, recorder, or clarinet, and the list goes on.  Athletics is even more complex-- will a child play a team sport or an individual one? Will it be a popular sport, like soccer or tennis, or a more rarefied one, like lacrosse or squash?

Of course, this isn't an either/or enterprise. Many kids play sports and a musical instrument and do something else (like drawing, Mandarin lessons, theater, or chess, and again the list goes on). One mom evocatively described her parenting strategy to me by saying she is striving to raise "little Renaissance men." But not all boys will grow up to be Renaissance men and not all kids are destined to be "well-rounded."  While these are worthwhile goals, parents must also listen to their children.

Kids are an integral part of this process. In some cases, children will approach their parents with an activity that they would like to try out. Perhaps a friend at school is a skateboarder, or a girl saw Nastia Liukin win the gold in the Olympics and she wants to try to be a gymnast. If a child expresses interest in a particular activity it's a good idea to explore a class in that, or something very similar (perhaps biking if you don't like skateboarding, or dance or cheerleading if you don't like gymnastics).  Other times, like when an activity is parent-driven and a child wants out, or even wants more of it, parents should listen to their child's desires, especially before investments of time and money get too high.  What's important is that kids are exposed to a wide range of options when they are young so they can explore, be creative, and start to gain mastery.  This helps insure that kids will be intrinsically motivated and hopefully develop a genuine interest and passion in a given area.

Of course, what parents choose to expose their kids to is ultimately shaped by a variety of individual and societal factors.  To continue the buffet metaphor, not everyone will have grits or lox on their Sunday buffet, but most people will have eggs and bacon (some will have it free-range and organic, and others won't). For example, in certain parts of the country ice hockey is more popular, and in others Pop Warner football dominates.  On top of regional preferences parental background matters. More educated parents may shy away from activities they consider dangerous, like boxing, and instead push weekend math classes.  And parents of boys and girls tend to favor different sorts of activities, even within the same family.

There is no right way or wrong way to make these choices so long as you listen to your child and your own common sense.  There is no magic number of activities or number of hours of participation that will help your little one get into an Ivy League school ten years down the road.  There is no equation that tells us whether or not your child will rebel later in life is he or she goes to ballet instead of karate.  But there is a way to keep childhood fun, and full of creativity and exploration, while still training kids for the next steps in their lives. By allowing kids to explore within a structured set of choices, they'll be able to know what they really love as they move into middle school and high school, where those specific choices start to matter more. Until then, enjoy your waffles, pancakes, hash browns, Eggs Benedict, or whatever else you and your kids prefer!

Diving into Coaching

Greg Louganis, arguably the greatest diver of all time, and one of the greatest Olympians of all time, just started coaching young divers.  His accomplishments are extraordinary, but as many know, having superior skills does not always transfer to superior teaching.

Louganis' skills as a coach are his knowledge of diving technique and his ability to teach mental awareness and toughness.  He emphasizes basic mechanics and does not allow a diver to move on until they have mastered skills.  Louganis also says that practice is more important than competition and he has each of his students keep a journal where they can reflect on training and goals.  Louganis reports, "A lot of parents say they're on board with it... we'll see how well they can hang in there."

Parents should trust the knowledge of a teacher or coach and be patient with them in producing results and improving technique, even if that coach isn't as accomplished as Greg Louganis.  Tiger Mom Amy Chua got it right (at least in this instance!) when she said parents should not criticize a teacher/coach in front of a child.

That said, there are areas every parent should think about before enrolling their child in an afterschool activity.  Based on years researching various afterschool activities, I recommend parents investigate the background of potential teachers/coaches in three areas: expertise, teaching, and safety.  With some of these questions you should ask the teacher, or owner, directly.  For others you will want to ask around town.  Though beware listening to everything a few disgruntled parents say; however if many parents have negative things to say you should pay attention!  These questions may seem like obvious ones, but when it comes to kids' activities, they aren't often asked-- and that needs to change especially given the level of competition and the number of injuries currently observed in children's activities.

1) Expertise- You should make sure the teacher or coach has in-depth knowledge of the activity and some credentials to be teaching the activity to others.

If you ever watch So You Think You Can Dance you know that Nigel Lythgoe is constantly complaining about dance teachers who do not know technique and are making a lot of money telling people they can dance. Unqualified teachers make it difficult for the qualified teachers who do know technique to succeed.  When I was studying soccer I interviewed one business owner who proudly told me that because he is from Latin America parents assume he is good at soccer. In fact, he is a terrible player; instead of playing up skills, he plays up his accent which he claimed parents responded to well. This owner did hire qualified coaches, but it's easy to imagine this situation going a different way.

You should exercise your right as a parent to protect your child and find out the answers to the following questions:

• Does my child's potential teacher/coach have technical ability in the subject matter? 
• Can they demonstrate fluent knowledge of technique?
• Were they themselves a diver/chess player/dancer/football player, etc.? 
• What do they know about the mechanics of how the activity works (either knowledge of mental processes or, more importantly, awareness of physiology and how the body best works)? 
• What formal credentials do they have to promote themselves as teachers/coaches-- college degrees, training certifications, etc.?

2) Teaching- Whatever the activity is, those who work with young people should have knowledge of how to teach young people-- this includes understanding learning techniques and children's social dynamics.  This is especially true in competitive environments.  Teachers and coaches should have some knowledge of how to deal with self-esteem issues and how to mediate conflict between children, for example.

Spending time around academic afterschool activities, like enrichment classes and chess clubs, I witnessed many skilled chess and math experts who were not trained as teachers. When children cried, gave up, had short attention spans, or fought with one another, the teachers often did not know how to respond to the situation.

While of course there is not one right way to deal with any of these situations, classroom teachers learned when they were students themselves about different techniques for dealing with children at specific age levels.  Afterschool teachers and coaches would benefit from similar instruction, which would help improve their teaching and children's experiences.  Just as our society doesn't allow classroom teachers or daycare providers to be untrained and uncertified, we should be sure that those who work with our children in the afterschool hours are equally able.

3) Safety- This may seem obvious, but you would be surprised how many assumptions parents make, if only because things seem legitimate.

• Do you know if your child's teacher or coach has ever been convicted of a crime, especially one involving a child? Not all states mandate background checks for teachers and coaches.  If you live in a state that doesn't, you should know that many of the insurance companies who insure athletic clubs/studios/gyms do have strict guidelines.  
• Does the program have insurance? You can find out by asking who insures an organization; if the group is uninsured this should be a red flag about the legitimacy of the business (perhaps even its business standing. like filing taxes). 
• Are teachers CPR certified? Are the physical surroundings acceptable for the physical nature of the activity (like the type of floor or the security/stability of equipment)? In addition to legal issues, you should also think about basic safety!

Remember, just because someone opens a gym or studio in a strip mall does not mean they are qualified, even on in these most basic areas. One of the programs I observed was not properly run in terms of insurance, taxes, and teacher safety.  These omissions were not committed out of malice on the part of the owner (instead they were related to financial constraints), but parents nevertheless should endeavor to be aware of these issues so they can protect their children.

While, thankfully, I am not aware of anyone I ever worked with being convicted of any crimes involving children, they do happen. Just this month a gymnastics coach in Arizona was arrested on suspicion of child molestation (though not in the gym itself).  Less than a year ago another gymnastics coach was arrested in Connecticut on similar charges.

In many families the three areas of expertise, teaching, and safety will be weighted in different ways. Some may value safety more, while others place less emphasis on expertise. Every parent will make the right decision for his/her child, but that decision should be made based on as much information as possible. Sadly, nail salons are better regulated and have more safety requirements than gyms, studios, and practice spaces where children can die or suffer catastrophic injury.

Parents, always, always ask questions and do your due diligence before signing your child up-- and once everything checks out, you can rest easier in deferring to the judgment of the teacher or coach.  Who knows, your child may end up learning from an Olympian!

Ranking Gladwell

Cars. Colleges. Countries.  These are just a few of the things we routinely rank-- and they are the three examples Malcolm Gladwell draws upon in his most recent New Yorker piece, "The Order of Things." (I'm assuming the alliteration is coincidental.)

His argument, in a nutshell, is that in any ranking system the formula matters.  That means both the variables in the formula that produces the rank and who the people are who write these formulas.  People are inevitably influenced by their own biases, as are the formulas and the rankings themselves. Nothing groundbreaking there.  Besides the element of, "So, what?," what I dislike most about the article is that no alternative is suggested.

The reality is, whether we like it or not, we are always going to have rankings.  And, with better technology available, it is both easier to quantify a range of things and rank them, and to spread the news of those rankings.  We famously now have national rankings for 11-year-old basketball players at sites like The Hoop Scoop and HoopsUSA.

Speaking of children, from the moment they enter this world they are ranked and ordered, by their Apgar score.  After that they routinely receive a number that represents their percentile rank for height/length, weight, and size of head at doctor's visits. Soon enough these kids enter the educational system and they receive percentiles that rank them based on what goes on inside those heads.  And, of course, then comes the all-important SAT score, and the list goes on.

Being ranked is a part of modern life.  Understanding what those numbers and rankings actually mean should be our goal, and list makers should be as transparent as possible about how numbers are produced.  Turning away from rankings isn't realistic at all.  And we should continue to study rankings, especially how institutions respond to them and how those numeric signifiers can actually shape behavior (For great work on this subject check out the work of sociologists Michael Sauder and Wendy Espeland.  Sauder is someone Gladwell should have spoken with-- though, full disclosure he is my officemate, so I'm a bit biased!).

I think Malcolm Gladwell is one of our best writers social scientists-- I certainly rank him in my top three.  But overall, this particular effort, by my evaluation, doesn't rate very high in the order of his work.

This Week in Stage Mothers on Reality TV

Stage moms are taking over the airwaves-- from Fox to TLC to E!. Should we be validating this type of (mis)behavior?

1. The American Idol Moms: If Toddlers & Tiaras was a reality show about 15-16-year-old (very talented) African-American singers

I hope they make it far, as the moms are just so entertaining to watch. Wouldn't want to see those women turn on one another though (especially the mom who was exhaling smoke as she critiqued the group's practice). Then again, if this was "The Real Housewives of American Idol," that would make great TV. Calling Andy Cohen!

2. Speaking of Toddlers & Tiaras... This week's life lesson:

You should watch the whole episode (either on TLC or on iTunes) to see Ashley-Noelle learn to "shake her booty" from her dad and have potty training undone by her mother (in her cupcake dress, she just has to use her pull-up). All of this clearly will help her build confidence so that someday, as her mother hopes, Ashley-Noelle will "just be able to walk up to a stranger and to just be able to tell them about Christ." There is also the requisite pixie stick breakfast with little Lily, along with a new first-- Coke with a sugar packet added!

Also, if you live in Des Moines, Iowa you seriously missed out today. Your daughter could have been in Eden Wood's "Cutie Patootie" video!  As a reminder, click here to see Eden perform on The Talk.

3. My Kid is Gonna be Famous- Starbound Dance Competition (NJ)

Actually, this particular show, and the mothers on it, were so terrible, the Internet refused to keep any clips online.  Unlike T&T, the editors don't have much fun, making the show less interesting to watch.

But E! is re-airing the dance competition episode tomorrow morning at 10 am. A great way to celebrate your day off of work.  You will be shocked, confused, and maybe even horrified at the talent, or lack thereof, at the Starbound competition.  The winners are especially confusing, even for this competition afficionado.

If you can't catch the replay, you can read some of the transcripts here.

Congratulations on your new credential!

Many children today are being raised to play to win (hence the title of this blog). What does this mean? Kids are taught, from a young age, skills that will help them compete and achieve in their adult lives.

These (largely upper-middle class and middle class American) children are molded, both inside and outside the classroom, to perform well at all of the credentials bottlenecks through which they must pass-- like succeeding in high school, navigating the college admissions process, applying to graduate schools, etc.  The particular skills that make up what I call competitive kid capital (or the "competitive habitus" in my academic writing) include: internalizing the importance of winning, bouncing back from a loss to win in the future, learning how to succeed in stressful situations, and being able to perform under the gaze of evaluators.

Last weekend I had the honor of helping to select the new Gates Cambridge Scholars from the United States.  I myself was a Gates Scholar at the University of Cambridge from 2002-3.  It was one of the best years of my life as I met some of my dearest friends (including my husband), traveled, and generally expanded my view of the world and what is possible within it.  This was my fifth year to be involved with the selection process and over time I have been struck by the connections between the primary school-age children I study and these highly accomplished students pursuing graduate degrees.

1) Passion- One of the characteristics that unifies Gates scholars across varied research subjects is passion.  The students interviewed have found a project that is worthy of graduate study, but what often elevates those who are selected is, what psychologists call, intrinsic motivation.  I have thought deeply about differences between children who are intrinsically and extrinsically motivated (for great research on this subject see, for example, Mark Lepper or Carol Dweck).  Children who are only motivated extrinsically by the lure of a large trophy will likely not succeed in the long term.  Sure, a trophy can be a way to get a child hooked, but those who go on to pursue an interest for many years and succeed at a high level are not driven by the lure of a prize (or a line on their résumés).  Passion is a proxy for this important intrinsic motivation.

2) Perseverance (or, as I prefer, stick-to-it-tiveness)- Things don't always work out the first time around in life, and Gates Scholars seem to have learned how to stick to tasks that they have that passion for and pursue those interests.  On a basic level, panels have interviewed applicants more than once and some of these applicants ultimately have been successful in being awarded a Gates the second time around.  On a deeper level you can see in their application materials the willingness to try, and sometimes fail, at hard tasks (whether it be a course, a research project, or organizing a public service event to promote a specific change in the world).  Gates Scholars, like the elementary school-age children I study, have stick-to-it-tiveness in myriad situations.

3) Grace under pressure-  Over the years Gates applicants have had to perform under sometimes less-than-ideal circumstances.  Weather immediatelly springs to mind.  When I interviewed in February 2002 I took an all night train from Boston to Baltimore after my flight was canceled due to a blizzard; I simply was not going to miss my chace to interview in person (yes, I even figured out a way to make sure my hair was curled and styled!).  Last year's applicants braved "Snowmageddon" to interview, and this year was also no easy trip for many.  In addition to weather snafus we have interviewed applicants with disabilities and unexpected injuries.  Finding the poise to perform under pressure is difficult, but it helps when one has been placed in high pressure situations from a young age (like the children I studied), so there is a reservoir of experience to draw upon.

4) Authenticity- Here I rely upon the somewhat-clichéd ancient Greek aphorism, "Know thyself." While being judged it is crucial to be authentic and tell your story. This is deceptively simple.  Knowing what you know, and knowing what you don't know, and creating your own authentic self and specialty are crucial not just for the Gates credentialiing process, but for the credentialing process of life.

I don't know if any of the children I studied will end up facing a fellowships selection panel someday-- though I suspect they will, as in many ways being groomed for that kind of success.  You don't have to be groomed from a young age to be a Gates (or a Truman, or a Marshall, or a Rhodes, for that matter), as I certainly wasn't.  But it helps if you, or someone close to you, knows about these skills and lessons when you are still young in chronological or intellectual years. And, if no one does, well, this is partially at the root of cultural and social inequality.  Which Gates Scholar will address this inequality in the future?

In any event, a hearty congratulations to all new scholars, but especially those I interviewed with the always wonderful Arts panel-- Bianca, Margaret, Kevin, Nicholas, Jennifer, David, and Michael!

[Note: These are my own personal observations, not endorsed by the Trust or other members of my interview panel. On some practical level they could be read as advice in any fellowships selection process.]